I took Ayahuasca twice. I had just a brief hallucination in the first one. Both of them were really painful. In the first one I felt how much I’m afraid of death and I also had plenty of memories about my family. I felt so weak that I could do nothing but suffering the pain and wait until I fall asleep. In the second one I was feeling the same pain and then at some point I realized how much I keep the suffering for myself, how much I just “eat” my fears and keep them in my body. As soon as I had this thought, I started throwing up violently. The pain was so big that I started screaming. Then I saw myself as a baby incapable to cry. I was afraid, hungry, cold… but I didn’t cry at all, I was just shocked baby, keeping my pain for myself. Then I realized that I had to fight for life, that I have to cry and scream to grab my parents attention. Then I could do anything else but crying, screaming, punching the floor and punching myself. I was feeling sorry for disturbing the other people surrounding me the same way that I was sorry for disturbing my parents as a baby. But I couldn’t help it. Crying and screaming, expressing my anger, was the only way to feel better. So I kept throwing up violently and screaming loudly as much as I could. My screams were so loud that the Shaman tried to chill me. Nothing worked. When I was exhausted of screaming and punching things I could rest for a while, but as soon as I recovered the pain was unbearable again and I had to repeat the craziness. I was feeling more and more concerned about the people surrounding me. The Shaman started playing simple instruments and singing and then I modulated my screams, transforming them in a chant. I never, never sing. I’m too shy for that. But my chants had the same effect as my screaming, so as long as I was singing I was feeling better. So I start singing, as loud as I could. I said no words, just sounds coming from my stomach. I tried to make the sounds as repetitive as possible, without loosing the spontaneity. That way I began singing for hours. At some point, 6 hours after the beginning of the journey, I felt good enough to finally stand up and eat something. Next day I talked with my parents about the experience. Both said to me that when I was a baby my mum couldn’t breast-feed me and they had to switch to milk powder. I never cried in the whole process. The trip helped me to realize that my fears come from a moment that I couldn’t even talk. Therefore any effort to “talk” to my fears is useless. Usingmyreason I arrived as fas as I couldgo. Forthenextstep I needtotalkto mybodyusingotherways. Words are just a wall. This will be my next “mauerfall”.
Francesc Gomez Morales, spanish, 32 yearsold.
Francesc sufferssince 15 yearsagofromdepression. He has beentreatedhimselfwithantidepressant,.Since a few months, he was able to stop the antidepressant treatment to start treating him disease with Yage.